Don't Use a Scalpel in a Swordfight
by Runic Healer
Summary: Shizuo wants his sanity and peaceful life back, and Izaya is enjoying the insanity and sadistic trips with Okita way too much. Had Edo and Ikebukuro were in different dimensions, he'll probably be a bartender or something. Gintama/Durarara!
1. Japanese Doors are Paper Thin Because

**Author's Notes:** This is Rated 'M' due to the dirty mouths of Okita, Gintoki, and the majority of the Gintama cast. Shizuo is still a Raira Academy Student, so he's around 16, and so are most of the people from his generation.

**I would like to thank MidnightxBluexBlack for Beta-reading my fic. Thanks!**

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**Don't Use a Scalpel in a Swordfight**

**Prologue**

_Japanese Doors are Paper Thin because…_

The universe is complex in design. It has many twists and turns that makes genii mad just by memorizing their sheer numbers. Of course, even with its complex design, a small nudge can create the most devastating and most unexpected effects.

Once upon a time, there were two explosions, and they were simultaneous. In one explosion, a young man traumatized his son into believing that the air around him is filthy. The other explosion made a man realize the wonders of Soy sauce.

Of course, nobody knew the change. One dimension happened to be in the middle of a war, and recently lost. Slowly, a building from one dimension popped in the other, and a building from the first dimension appeared on the second. As time passed by, more buildings began to pop on both dimensions that the gateway between the two disappeared, and the rift between them closed. No one noticed the change, not even the ones that caused the dimensional explosions.

-0-0-0-0-

Shizuo looked at the traditional-style gates apprehensively. Written on a sign above them was 'Shinsengumi' in Kanji. Shifting a little bit to his left, he adjusted the bag he carried along with him nervously.

"What's taking them so long?" Shizuo glared to his side, staring at the other new recruits alongside him.

The other recruits were murmuring to themselves, waiting for an officer to arrive. Their voices made small, white noises in the background, the sun wasn't getting any cooler, the air was humid, and Shizuo had been standing in the exact same spot for the past hour; none of this was helping the fuse of Shizuo's temper.

He would have loved to sit down like the other males, but he wasn't sure that once he took a rest, the officer would come to collect them and would then quickly mark him off as a lazy slacker without anything better to do. His blonde hair was already a dead giveaway for his rebellious nature, and he didn't want to disappoint Kasuka into thinking that he couldn't manage to do something better with his strength.

During a trip to Kyoto, an open bombing took place in one of the areas the Heiwajima family was travelling in. Of course, it especially annoyed Shizuo because the noise and the panicking people fried his nerves. He was about to step up and beat the bombers for ruining his mood, when a squad of men in black and gold uniforms managed to alleviate the situation and apprehend the bombers, later identified as members from an international terrorist group, the Kihetai.

The squad that happened to come to the civilian's rescue was the infamous squad of the Shinsengumi's first captain, Okita Sougo, and with him, the Shinsengumi's 'Demon Vice-Commander', Hijikata Toushiro.

After a flashy and awesome display of strength, perseverance and desire to protect the civilians, everyone on scene couldn't help but look on in awe. It was unforgettable; the event couldn't be erased from the minds of the witnesses, even though days had already passed.

A few days later, a rumor came up that made Shizuo go on a rampage and chase one Izaya Orihara in Ikebukuro.

Sometime during that summer back in Ikebukuro, the Shinsengumi held a recruiting program, and Kasuka suggested that Shizuo join so that his temper wouldn't flare so much when he meets Izaya, leading to less property damage.

Without much of a second thought, their parents gave their thumbs up, and Shizuo went along.

That is how Shizuo found himself in Kyoto, in a street with cars barely passing by, with the sun burning down and the air hot on their skin. His temper was now simmering.

If an officer didn't show soon, he'd either get the hell out of here or smash down the gates.

"Hey you lazy asses, what the hell are you doing sitting down?" There was chaos. The recruits that were lazing around scampered to their previous lines in a frenzy to correct their appearance and to make the right impression.

Shizuo didn't see the officer come, nor did he see the gate open. It probably meant that an officer had been there all along. Squinting, he eyed whoever it was that had caught the attention of his fellow recruits.

It was none other than Hijikata Toushiro, smoking alongside Okita Sougo.

"So Hijikata-san, are we going to cut off their balls like planned?" the monotonous voice of the First Captain droned.

"_What?"_ the recruits screamed in disbelief.

"Don't make things up, you bastard!" The Vice Commander aimed a punch towards the sixteen-year old, but he dodged the attack.

Shizuo's temper was now burning: he didn't come here to see a bloodbath; he came here to learn to control his temper, under the suggestion of his family. Now, these two were fanning the flame of noise and were keeping him out under the heat. If he didn't cool down soon, there would be blood.

"Then we're going with the other plan, right, Hijikata-san? The one with the part where they have to spin around three times with their balls in a bind while singing 'A Thousand Winds?'" Hijikata aimed a kick this time.

"Shut it, you bastard!" Diverting his attention away from the younger man, the older man faced the crowd of recruits.

"Welcome to the Special Law-Enforcement Division of Japan, the Shinsengumi. Before any one of you can rest, you need to be acquainted with the rules." Hijikata nodded towards Okita, and the teen managed to conjure a scroll out of thin air.

The characters were large and Shizuo could see it just fine from where he was standing.

"In the Shinsengumi, there are six rules. First of all, no one is allowed to deviate from the Bushido." Of course, the recruits couldn't help but complain. Many men murmured amongst themselves, and others couldn't help but be more vocal about it.

"Isn't that outdated?"

"Why should we even follow the _Bushido_?"

Glaring at the recruits that dared to voice out their rebellion, Hijikata said in a low and menacing tone, "It's that or I'll cut you down."

The air seemed cold, but Shizuo's temper was still going up. How long were they supposed to stand under the sun?

Gulping, many of the recruits shut up, fearing for their health and their balls.

"Rule Number Two: No one is allowed to abandon their post."

'_Understandable, but hurry up_**,' **Shizuo thought.

"Rule Number Three: No raising money for personal gain." People are people, and they will complain if unhappy.

"No way!"

"What if we want go get rich?"

"Hijikata-san, everyone seems to hate you even more now, so please die." Growling, the officer tried to hit Okita with his scabbard, but the teen dodged it.

"Shut the hell up you bastards!" Then silence.

"How scary, Hijikata-san."

Sighing and blowing some smoke, Hijikata went on: "Fourthly, no getting involved in litigations. Even if you kill someone by accident, the Shinsengumi and the government will not be responsible for your stupidity. Get your own lawyer."

Complaints were about to break out, but one glare silenced the attempt.

"Fifth: No engaging in private fights. This is the government—we should set examples for the citizens to follow." No one dared to complain.

"Last: Anyone that dares to break these rules," Hijikata paused, looking at each and every recruit in the eye. His eyes lingered a little bit on Shizuo before moving on, "must commit Seppuku."

"_WHAT?_"

No longer able to take the heat, the noise, and the petty drama, Shizuo let his temper out.

"How long do you want to keep me waiting? Fuck this; I'm out of here." Temper averted.

The crowd's eyes widened: someone had dared to curse the Vice Commander.

"Who the hell do you think you are, walking out of this, you bastard? You agreed to this, you should stick with it. What are you, a coward?" Temper returned.

Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, Shizuo almost stomped towards Hijikata. Small cracks formed in the gravel with every step he made.

"What a brave soul. Do you need help killing Hijikata-san? Here, use my bazooka." Both hotheaded men ignored Okita.

With his blood pounding loud in his ears and heat going up, the blonde sneered at the 'Demon' Vice Commander.

"I agreed to this because I wanted to, and I didn't agree to standing under the sun. I might as well get out of here before I make you regret it." Hijikata was just as hotheaded as the other, unfortunately.

"Me, regret it? Hardly, you _Fake Blondie_. You _will_ regret it if you don't shut the hell up and go back to your position." Without much of a second thought, a fist rammed Hijikata straight in the face, and the cigarette from his mouth fell.

There was a shocked silence. Okita ruined the silence with his monotonous remark, "Gasp, a direct hit. Now die, Hijikata."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" someone from the crowd screamed.

Shizuo, too, was shocked: Hijikata had barely moved from his position.

Scoffing, Hijikata removed the teen's hands from his face forcefully.

"Is that the best you got, Fake Blondie?"

With animalistic rage and the word 'Kill' repeating in his head like a ritualistic chant, Shizuo sent another punch with a cry of fury.

Hijikata dodged the blow, and in that moment, his fist met the teen's cheek in a swift blow. Shizuo, surprised by the force of the blow, nearly lost his balance. He managed to correct his footing and grab the older man by the arm, intending to throw him off.

Hijikata saw the move coming, but instead of dodging, he countered the blonde by gripping Shizuo's limb and then twisting it. He proceeded to subdue Shizuo by grabbing his other arm by the wrist that the blonde had intended to use to get the officer off him. Circling the teen's arms behind his back, Hijikata kneed Shizuo from behind and the blonde ended up kneeling on the ground in front of him.

Shizuo struggled to get out of the officer's hold, but Hijikata gripped the blonde firmly. Shizuo could hardly believe that someone had managed to match his strength.

Gritting his teeth, he tried shaking the officer off again, and then something cold pressed down on his neck. Shizuo froze, unused to the feeling of something sharp and possibly deadly pressing up close to his throat; something that could easily detach said object from his shoulders.

"You know, traitors are to commit hara-kiri, so how about we skip to the beheading part quickly." Now knowing there's no use in fighting back, Shizuo calmed down. His tense shoulders relaxed, Hijikata let him go, and Okita sheathed his sword.

Rather forcefully, Shizuo dusted off his clothes as he glared at the Vice-Commander.

Smirking, Hijikata lit another cigarette as he stomped on the one he dropped earlier, still smoldering on the pavement.

"Welcome to the Shinsengumi, Heiwajima punk."

_They're made out of paper._


	2. Friends with Strange Hair can be…

**Notes:** I have nasty commitment issues indeed...

It's been over a year and I just updated this? Wow. Just when my interest in anime was fading away... God I suck in humor... T_T

**Warnings:** This is Rated 'M' due to the dirty mouths of Okita, Gintoki, and the majority of the Gintama cast. Shizuo is still a Raira Academy Student, so he's around 16, and so are most of the people from his generation.

**I would like to thank MidnightxBluexBlack for Beta-reading my fic. Thanks!**

**Other notes: **It is greatly appreciated if readers log-on to review so I can reply. Anyways, to answer a few questions, the last 'run-on' sentence is a part of the chapter title. I will also be fixing bartender too. So thanks for the feedback and note. :)

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_Friends with Strange Hair can be…_

It was nearing evening. The sun cast an orange glow on the sky, and some stars were already making an appearance. The new recruits entered the barracks, and then they were divided by ten. Since there were fifty new-recruits in total, each file had five men. Shizuo was in the third file, in the very back of the line. He and two others were the teens in their line; the other two were obviously older than them, barely in their thirties.

He observed every recruit that appeared to be in his age group, and he was quite relieved to find that he wasn't the only one with dyed hair. The teen in front of him was obviously a delinquent, with fire truck red hair and blue streaks. Shizuo remembered him being the most vocal in the complaints from Hijikata's 'debriefing.'

"I'm Hayate Soujiro, nice to meet you." Shizuo looked down. The teen had his back to him, but his head was facing sideways, an eye making contact with Shizuo's. Hayate was shorter than him and younger, but he had a really loud voice.

Shizuo snorted, but replied nevertheless.

"Heiwajima Shizuo."

Hayate grinned before facing forward, pocketing his hands and rocking by the balls of his feet.

"Well, life in Shinsengumi will really be interesting with the strongest guy from 'Bukuro around." The blonde scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. How does he know him, Shizuo had never seen the boy in his life.

"Excuse me?"

The redhead grinned, Shizuo couldn't see it, but he knew.

"You thrashed the gang Izaya sent the other day." He paused, "I was supposed to come in, too, with the next gang, but when I saw you thrash the other one… I backed out. It was the best decision of my life."

Shizuo grunted, and then he realized something.

"_You_ were going to thrash _me_?" he growled in a low voice.

Hayate laughed, but there was no hint of nervousness in it.

"I was, but when I saw you throw a vending machine, I realized that it wasn't worth it." Shizuo seethed at the younger teen.

"Then what the hell are you doing here?"

"I—"

Whatever Hayate was about to say was cut off by a man that held an uncanny resemblance to a gorilla. He was loud and obnoxious, yet his eyes held kindness and patience. Next to him was the 'Demon'.

Shizuo looked down, growling low, yet he held himself back. He must calm down and avoid attacking the man again. Yet, that son of a bitch was getting closer, and he did not like it. Shizuo hoped he would go away, preferably as far away as possible.

"So Toushi, this is the rowdy one, right?" the gorilla man asked the Vice-Commander.

Lighting up a cigarette, Hijikata replied, "Yes, he is a known delinquent in his hometown."

The gorilla laughed loudly, and then said, "Then Sougo won't mind one more then?"

"_What?"_ The pair looked at the blonde-haired teen.

Shizuo seethed, his amber eyes glaring against metallic blue.

Hijikata sighed and blew some smoke.

"Great, now Okita will probably use him to kill me," he muttered.

"Sougo wouldn't do that, right Toushi?" the gorilla laughed.

Glaring angrily at the Vice-Commander, Shizuo was about to raise his hand threateningly, but a hand came to on his shoulder comfortingly. The blond felt his temper cool down quickly.

Blinking confusedly, he looked at the hand and towards its owner. It was the gorilla.

"_Hahaha! _You'll get along with Sougo and Toushi well. Carry on then!" Patting the teen on his back, the gorilla left. Hijikata followed the older man, his face blank of any expression.

Shizuo narrowed his eyes at the pair.

The officers went to the front of the platoon. Hijikata grabbed a megaphone and then spoke.

"We will now assign each file to a squad to train under. You will all be sharing dorms; however, your training is with your squad. You will be training on five in the morning until noon. In the afternoon, you'll continue your training, and then, your academic lessons will be at three. There was a delay in the assignment of recruits in the squads therefore we will be having a brief meeting before officially assigning each recruit. When I get back, I expect you to be presentable, or else I'll have Okita give you special treatment. Are we clear?"

"Hai!" the men chorused.

The Vice-commander left along with the older man, discussing something in low voices, and the other officers went with them inside. The men in files dispersed, grouping and introducing themselves to one another.

"Who's the gorilla?" Hayate asked to no one in particular.

"That was _the_ commander!" a teen to Shizuo's left gasped, the blond raised an eyebrow.

He was short and scrawny, his eyes were large, and his hair was short. He didn't look like he'd last in the 'harsh lifestyle of the Shinsengumi'. Not unless he wanted to enter the Intel division; then, he might have hope.

"Didn't you know? He's one of the best swordsmen alive! He can take down an army and live, and he's—"

"Spare the nerd talk Izumi, no one wants to hear you." An older teen flicked the smaller boy in front of him. The boy, now known as Izumi, blushed in embarrassment.

Chuckling, the older teen messed up Izumi's hair. He looked up to Shizuo, a grin forming in his face.

"Strongest man in Ikebukuro, eh? Well, wait till you get to Kabuki-cho. The strongest guy at home can destroy an Amanto _ship_ with a wooden sword," the boy grinned.

"And you are?" Hayate asked.

"It's Tanaka Kisuke. You're Hayate Soujiro. He's" he pointed to the blonde, "Heiwajima Shizuo. And this guy is," Kisuke snaked an arm around Izumi, "Yuya Izumi.

"We're proud citizens of Kabuki-cho and grew up with the help of the Empress Otose. How about you guys?"

Sitting down, Hayate smirked, "I'm a member of the Blue Squares, and we help each other out. Here is Shizuo, Ikebukuro's strongest. He can throw a vending machine with his bare hands. Your guy has a _sword_, while this guy here has his hands. What can you say to that?" Now that Hayate was facing him directly, Shizuo could see what he actually looked like.

His forehead was a little wide, his lips were thin, and his black eyes were squinty and small. Kisuke, on the other hand, was much more attractive compared to the ex-gang member. Kisuke's eyes were a little small, his lips were full, and his cheeks were flushed healthily.

"Well, I'm not here to boast about what Otose-san did. I want to help people, so I joined the Shinsengumi," Izumi huffed and removed Kisuke's hand from him.

"Of course. Well, I joined so I can be a hero." Hayate chuckled at Kisuke.

"Me, I want to do something better with my life, instead of just beating people up." Shizuo doubted that. "How about you, Heiwajima-san?"

The blonde shrugged. "Keep my temper in check."

Izumi made a small sound of astonishment.

"You almost beat up the Vice-Commander! You're lucky he didn't kill you!"

Hayate snorted. "I doubt that's legal."

Kisuke laughed.

"They can kill us and have no problems with the law. The Amanto made sure that killing is legal under self-defense and against the Anti-Foreigner factions. Besides, they are the law. So that clears it up."

Shizuo scowled, he did not come here to kill someone. He joined Shinsengumi to get a better hold of his temper.

"If you want to learn how to control your temper, a temple would have been a better place." Then Shizuo realized something again.

Of course! Why hadn't he thought of that? What did Kasuka want when he sent him here? His temper combined with his strength was a walking casualty. If he wanted to control his temper more easily, he could have studied in a Buddhist Temple instead!

"I bet the temple will be trashed before lessons are over."

_Hijikata barely moved when he punched him._

Of course, he almost forgot about that. Peaceful people can't hold him in, only people that are much more violent than him can. Then why choose the Shinsengumi?

He could have been sent to a Yakuza for all he knows. Then again, the Shinsengumi seemed like a better option, compared to the Yakuza.

"Well, how did you get accepted here in the Shinsengumi?" Kisuke looked at the blonde, Shizuo coughed.

"My brother had a flier." He looked away, not comfortable in telling what _exactly_ happened: why he was recruited in the Shinsengumi.

"Ah… So it wasn't Izay—"Hayate was cut off by a murderous glare from Shizuo. Laughing nervously, he adjusted the collar of his jacket.

"Ah, okay—" Cut off again, but this time by the sound of an alarm bell. The recruits took this as a sign to line up.

"When I call your name, come here and get your uniform, sword, training sword, ID, and bazooka. An officer will lead you to the dorms, and all of you can finally rest. Training starts tomorrow at the crack of dawn." Looking at the clipboard in his hand, Hijikata began to call each recruit.

As each recruit stepped forward to get a uniform from another officer, they were lined up, and when it reached five, the officer would lead them inside the barracks to show where they would be doing their jobs later on.

Eventually Shizuo was called. As he stepped forward, he couldn't help but glare at the Vice-Commander. The Vice-Commander made a sound of disgust and glared back.

Shizuo grabbed his uniform angrily, and the officer holding them almost stumbled in surprise. Then, Shizuo quickly lined up to where Okita was waiting. After several minutes, Shizuo found Kisuke joining him, and then they were led away.

Okita briefly introduced himself and made lewd jokes, to Shizuo's disgust. After showing them where to find the dining area, the disgusting CR's, the training room, the Archives, and many more of the rooms related to investigations and other police-related activities, the sadist finally sent them to the dorms to prepare for tomorrow.

By the time Shizuo made it to bed, he was deeply contemplating on what his life in Shinsengumi would be like.

He had a feeling that it would undoubtedly be crazy and far away from the peaceful life he had always wanted.

_Good Friends_

_**Omake Ending**_

"Hey, hey! I'm the main character of Gintama; why am I not making an appearance yet?" Gin flicked off a booger he had been picking.

The Yorozuya trio sat comfortably around a kotetsu. There were tea and sweets around, and on a nearby window, one could see that it was snowing on the outside. However, on the chapter earlier, it was summer.

"You see Gin-san, it's just two chapters in and it will be a while before Shizuo of '_Durarara!_' is allowed to patrol outside the barracks. Besides, he needs development before meeting us." Shinpachi sipped some of his tea.

"That's not fair-aru! None of us made the spotlight yet, but that sadist already made it on screen! Gin-san, let's take this to the author!" Kagura slammed her hands on the kotetsu.

"Calm down Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi voiced out worriedly, flailing a bit.

"Yeah! And she's even recycling a scene from the anime," the silver-perm head snorted, shaking his head in disappointment. "Talk about creativity."

"She also wants to pair you up with Hijikata! She's such a weirdo!" the alien added.

"WHAT!" Gin and Shinpachi had a look of horror in their faces.

Nodding to herself, Kagura went on, "She also likes Shinpachi with Yamazaki, and the Shizuo guy with Izaya! But she also likes pairing me with Shinpachi! How can I kiss a pair of glasses? I mean Shinpachi is so small and dirty, I wouldn't even touch it with a stick." Kagura had a look of exaggerated disgust plastered on her face.

"Hey! Why do you keep confusing me with my glasses? Am I nothing but glasses in your eyes? You're always reducing me to a pair of glasses! What the hell am I to you?" Shinpachi screeched, slamming his hands down on the table.

"I agree, other than pairing me with that Mayonnaise freak, she wants to pair you up with a pair of glasses. I… I can't even say how weird she is. Not a word can describe how weird that girl is." Gin shook his head in disappointment.

"You're ignoring me aren't you? You're doing that on purpose, aren't you? I'm right here and you're talking about me like I'm not here!" Four-eyes waved his hands around, trying to get their attention.

"Whoa! Did you hear that? Someone called me Four-eyes! I swear someone just called me four eyes. Hey! Whoever you are, talk to us, damn it." _Apparently, they heard me._

"What are you talking about Shinpachi I don't hear anything around here. You should get your ears checked, too-aru." China girl nodded to herself solemnly. _Nope, they didn't actually hear me._

"Ah! Oi Sadist idiot? Who the heck are you calling China? Why don't you show your face and let me beat it to a bloody pulp you bastard?" Shinpachi made a sound and the two looked around, looking for the one that insulted them. _Now she knows I'm around, eh?_

Twisting a finger inside his ear and then flicking off whatever earwax was there, Gin blew some of his hair lazily.

"Both of you should have your ears checked. Or better yet, try talking to a therapist. Gin-san is very careful about his mental health, and hanging out with crazy people will make Gin-san crazy too," the perm-headed, good-for-nothing, dead-eyed, useless samurai pointed out.

His eyes widened in surprise.

"Hey! Who the hell are you calling a perm-head you brat? Show yourself!" _Perfect._

_Now… To make my grand appearance._

In the middle of the room, there was a black hole, but instead of sucking things in, it _vomited_ something out.

Covered in an unknown substance censored for innocent eyes, was brown hair that never met a comb. Brushing off whatever it was covering the girl, the teen stood up, pushing her thick glasses up the bridge of her nose. Her skin had a slight tan from going out in the sun, and some of her weight needs to disappear. Wearing a military uniform with pink fluffy bunny slippers, the girl stepped down from the kotetsu.

There was silence. The girl was staring at Gin, her large brown eyes looked larger behind the glasses, and they were obviously bloodshot and sunken due to late-night sleeping.

"You're Gintoki Sakata…" The girl looked at the samurai creepily; her creepiness was more than what Saa usually have.

"And…"

"GinHiji…" the girl murmured breathlessly, blood began to trickle down her nose.

"What!" The Yorozuya made a sound in alarm as a waterfall of blood gushed out of her nose.

Later that evening, an ambulance came taking away four people, ready to be admitted in Edo General Hospital, and they all looked like they drowned in blood.

**To be continued**


End file.
